Is it Racist to ask someone where they’re from?
It happened when talking to one of our new neighbors in Spain. Looking at Lissette, she said it: “You’re American. But where are you really from?”
Lissette didn’t take offence, explaining that her parents were Puerto Rican (Lissette is of Puerto Rican origin but has never been to Puerto Rico).
We’ve asked the same to other people at different times. We had a dinner party once in Montreal where one of Lissette’s friends brought along a friend. Her friend said she was Parisian but there was something off about her accent and her skin tone was a bit more olive than the average French person’s. So we asked: “Where are you from Miriam? You don’t seem like a typical French person”. She told us that she was actually from Iran. Ah ha! It actually led to an interesting conversation because we had never met someone from Iran.
Her friend later told us that Miriam doesn’t usually like it when people ask her about her origins, that it’s a sensitive subject with her. We could, on one hand, understand that because people from the Middle East tend to be lumped together and characterized unflatteringly. On the other hand, we find it odd when people deny their ethnicity or nationality. Another of Lissette’s friends hated being referred to as “Asian” despite being 100% Asian. We nicknamed her “Jennifer the I’m not Asian”.
But we also see it from the other perspective.
Once, when we lived in Montreal, we had gone to a wine tasting fair in Montreal’s Congress Center. We were at a booth trying out wines when the lady serving the wine (about the same age as us) addressed Lissette: “Are you Colombian?”
Lissette (always quick witted and in the perfect English that the lady didn’t expect): “No, I’m from the Superpower. I’m American”.
In this case she hadn’t liked the question. Lissette felt that the woman was trying to profile her and choosing “Colombian” was a little stab suggesting that Lissette wasn’t much more than a mail order bride.
When we lived in Croatia our neighbor, an old lady named Marija, was more polished when asking about Lissette’s ethnicity: “Where are you from?”. Lissette explained that her parents were Puerto Rican. “Oh, thank god. You’re Catholic. I thought maybe you were Muslim” exclaimed Marija in relief. In some places it’s about color, in other places it’s language, in other places it’s religion.
It can be tiring and I’ve learned – being white and married to a non-white person – that there are a lot of assumptions and prejudices when it comes to race.
In Thailand we were at the reception of a hotel. Lissette wandered off into their business center and was brushed off by a young American woman when she said “Hi” to her. 2 minutes later I went into the same room and the woman started a conversation, apparently relieved to finally be able to talk to a white person. At that point – not knowing what had happened – I called over Lissette and introduced them, telling the woman that Lissette was also from the US. The silence was awkward: Lissette by that point had no interest in talking to the woman and the woman realized that she had been disrespectful in ignoring her. It’s funny that the biggest divide we’ve encountered travelling is when meeting white Americans – Lissette has rarely ever had an awkward moment meeting Brits or Europeans but they’ve been a few situations meeting white Americans where there’s been a cultural divide so wide you might as well be meeting an Eskimo in Alaska. As a Canadian I’ve never really understood it.
About assumptions – we had rented a house for 2 months in Cape Town (South Africa) and I was talking to the owner, a white man in his 60’s who reminded me somewhat of Wilbur Smith. He was asking me how we could afford to travel the way we do and I pointed at Lissette “Lissette has a good job in Marketing and she’s been able to continue working as we travel”. He looked at her in surprise and newfound respect. Many people just assume that Lissette is just a tag-along wife but the truth is that she’s a big reason we were able to finance our full-time travelling lifestyle over much of the last 6 years.
What I’m saying is that race and nationality can be a sensitive subject and a lot of people would rather not talk about it because of the assumptions and prejudices of other people.
So it Racist to ask someone where they’re from?
Really, I think the answer depends on the situation, how the question is phrased, and the intent behind it. You can’t just approach a “different”-looking person standing at the other side of the room demanding where they’re from. You might get snarky the “I’m from my mother” response to that (Lissette’s back up if she doesn’t like the way somebody asks her the question).
Part of being a traveller is a curiosity of meeting people of different nationality and cultures. And 99% of the time people are happy to talk about themselves and their experiences. Asked the right way “where are you from?” is a great opening line. But I know some people don’t like the question and take offence. See this Article in The Atlantic.
So, what do you think?
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Thank you so much for writing this.
I am a “multi-ethnic”, American. In the U.S., there
is something called the “one drop” rule. If you have never heard of it,
it means simply that if you have ANY person of African origin
ANYWHERE in your family tree, you are black. So, despite that
I am overwhelmingly Indigenous from an ethnic standpoint, with traces of
European and African ancestry, the only thing Americans (White, Black, Asian,Latino) will acknowledge is the African aspect.
For example, if your mother were Swedish, and your father
had a Polish mother and a father who was “half” African, you would
be considered black by many, if not most, in the U.S., particularly if
you were to do something noteworthy. Black Americans INSIST Tiger Woods
is black. One of his parents is Asian. Doesn’t count in the USA.
This, in part, I believe, explains why the cultural divide is so pronounced among Americans:
Americans tend to be racist, even many of those who do not think they are.
They also carry their racism with them. They typically are the ones at the bar
in Panama wondering why “these people” don’t speak English.
Being taken for Black everywhere I go, and being from Detroit, means that I am
the target, if you will, of this insufferable behavior on a regular basis. This is true even among black people, who typically assume I am half white, and hate me for it. It is very difficult, and explains why my passport is perhaps my most important document.
I have found Canadians sometimes exhibit this behavior, as well, particularly those from rural settings. But with white Americans it is pretty much a given that you will be profiled, no matter where they meet you, no matter the circumstances. And they will treat you accordingly.
This is one reason I follow your blog. First, you are Canadian, and there is the prejudice that assumes you are likely a decent fellow, with which I am likely afflicted. (nobody is perfect.:) )Secondly, your spouse is clearly not white. I want to know where you have found people to be obnoxious, and where you have found warm, welcoming people.You are my canaries in the proverbial coal mine. From what I have read, my experiences matches with much of what you have written about:
Costa Rica is home to many a right-wing, racist American expat, and a few Canadians as well, who seem to think inexpensive beer and young, brown hookers is an inalienable human right for gringos. These are the people at the expat bars and cafes complaining about why “these people” don’t speak English.
I would NEVER, EVER, visit Poland. I have lived in Hamtramck, Michigan, and know the racist attitudes that prevail all too well. The rise of fascism in the States has exacerbated these attitudes, and they are no longer hidden, nor regarded as shameful as they once were.
But now I am looking to Europe. Why? I tend to find it far easier to socializes with people from Canada and Western Europe than Americans. They seem far less hung up on what a person looks like, or where his grandfather was from than do Americans. And I need to be able to buy professional art materials. Very difficult
to find in places like Costa Rica.
I know that racism exists everywhere. I just want to settle in a place where it is not something that infects literally every aspect of day to day living.
Sorry to be so long winded. I don’t know of other travel writers who discuss this. Please continue to do so.
I’m from Canada and it saddens and angers me that people still deal with this today!! One of my coworkers is a one drop type of background. Until she tans you would never guess and I only know because we got talking about our backgrounds. I’m basically a European mutt. English, Irish, Scottish, Dutch and German. I have always been the one my friends come to when they’re faced with injustice. They know I will not stand for it! I hope you are able to find peace and tranquility to live in!
Thank you FP for this great comment.
It’s nothing new to me: Lissette has always told me about the ingrained racism in the US. It’s one of the reasons she moved from the US to Canada. It’s also why she’s sensitive to prejudice. In turn, it’s opened my own eyes. And outside of the US and in many parts of the world being with a non-white person has had many advantages. In South Africa people were so friendly when they saw us as a mixed race couple. It broke the colour barrier and people acted naturally around us (and me…I was no longer “the white man”). Even here in Spain being with Lissette has been an advantage – I think white expats are seen in a certain light, but to be with a educated, well-travelled Hispanic woman we’ve had people treat us very differently.
BTW: as you mention Canada, or any place, is not perfect. We lived many years in Quebec and stepping out of Montreal you’ll find a lot of rural rednecks. The difference in Canada is that the might stare but that’s usually where it ends.
And as far as Europe goes, it’s surprised even me how we’ve never (except for Poland) ever felt anything either against Lissette or against us as a mixed couple (BTW: we’ve had people on our Poland post say “well, she doesn’t look like a person of colour…she looks like she might be Italian or Greek”. So she might be maybe ok? It’s hard to know how to take that). We’ve had overwhelmingly great experiences throughout Europe.
So I hope that if you make it here you encounter the same openness.
But just know that your comment is very much appreciated and that we agree with it 100%. I read it to Lissette and she was nodding her head the entire time I was reading it.
Feel free to write us personally if you ever need any tips or recommendations that we can help you with. And thanks for the kind words.
Thank you for your kind words. I was actually a bit apprehensive about how you would take my response. I am glad it was received in the spirit it was intended. I will probably write you sooner than you think. I am looking into combining an “exploratory excursion” with a bit of very necessary dental tourism, with the possibility of Spain as a destination. I have acquaintances in Costa Rica, which was my initial choice for dental tourism, but I tire of all the “ism”, particularly given the current political circumstances, and frankly, just don’t want to be bothered with that place if I can avoid it.
Again, thanks for your blog, and your kindness. Expect to hear from me with questions soon. May health and prosperity continue to be your companions.
No need to be apprehensive, you wrote a very nice email. You should see some I get 😉
I don’t have a lot of advice for dental tourism. Before the pandemic we would always go to Prague for all our dental/medical/electronic needs (getting new phones and computers). Did that about 6 years running. With the pandemic haven’t had a dental cleaning in 2 years and I need it bad…would love to go back to Prague for that but we’ll have to do it sooner rather than later and will probably settle on something here in Spain. I don’t know the quality.
But if ever Prague on your itinerary then I do have some suggestions for you.
No problem, write me personally with any questions you may have.
I had a young customer today who I could hear an accent when he spoke. I know a couple words in a few languages so I said I can hear a bit of an accent what’s your first language? He said Arabic. I know that Egypt also uses Arabic but I don’t know how to speak in that dialect so I asked where he was born. He said Syria. So I said hello to him in Arabic. I only know a few words but they’re good words.
That’s nice Candice. I’m sure he appreciated your effort.
Hi Guys!
I’ve spent the last hour catching up on your posts and am so happy to see that you’ve landed fairly close to Albufeira. Looks like we’ll be able to meet IRL one of these days when the Portugal-Spanish border is open and travel is not so complicated.
I agree with you and your other commenters that the question of where one is from occurs often when you are traveling or living in a foreign country. Since I’m a curious person myself, I find that I ask the question many times, especially since Albufeira is both a tourist city and home to many foreigners. I also get asked the question sometimes because of my accent and also because, until recently, there were few people from the US living in the Algarve. However, I do understand that for many, the question can carry racist overtones. Context and manners are everything, aren’t they?
We are just coming off 10 weeks of a strict lockdown and Portugal’s restrictions are gradually relaxing. It’s awesome to be able to visit a restaurant again, see good friends and go to the beach. I hope the same is true for you in Nerja. I think though, that it’s to be awhile before travel is really possible or less than complicated. I don’t think I’ll ever take all the privileges that we’ve lost during the pandemic for granted again.
All my best, Anita
Hi Anita,
“I don’t think I’ll ever take all the privileges that we’ve lost during the pandemic for granted again”. So, so true Anita. It’s made us realize how lucky we were to travel over the last 6 years, in most cases without even having to flash a passport (within Europe). In all cases travel was easy.
I wonder if it will ever be like that again. I wonder what the future will hold and what visas or medical paperwork will be required. And there might be a point where it’s just not worth it. So we’re very aware that we were privileged to have been able to travel full-time.
Anita, the moment we get our vaccines I plan on working to get my driver’s license. And once I have that we plan on doing a bit roadtrip of Spain and Portugal. We’d love to visit you in Albufeira. And you’re always welcome in Nerja (we have a large apartment).
Here cases are going up and with the vaccine rollout so slow I think we’ll be stuck in limbo for a while. But we’re looking forward to getting out of this and also having some local experiences (haven’t sat at a restaurant or cafe in over a year).
Stay safe Anita!!
Our vaccine roll-out is also excruciatingly slow and now it looks like May or even June will be my turn for “the jab.” At this point, it’s hard not to be impatient but I try to remind myself how lucky I am to be healthy.
Did I tell you I finally got my Portuguese driver’s license last year? A long and convoluted story that I’ll tell you when we finally meet up, either in your adopted country or mine!
We’re in the same boat Anita. May or June? Wow. We just got some good news today: a document from town hall telling us what the procedure will be for foreigners here on the private insurance system. We’re way down the list (they’ll be starting with the 70’s + in the near future) but at least we have an idea now how to proceed once our turn comes up
Good for you on the license! I know it’s complicated here in Spain and am bracing myself. Will work towards that after we get our 1st shot.
Like most here, I think it’s fine to ask where someone is from if it’s in the right tone and situation. We get it a lot, especially in places where you hardly ever see independent Indian tourists. We don’t mind answering, especially if it means it’s an opening to a possibly good conversation.
It does sometimes comes off as rude when a statement is made out of ignorance but I try not to get offended and may offer more information if I feel like it. Some people are very surprised at my level of English and easy-to-understand accent but most are equally interested in learning more.
Other than a question about where we’re from, we often get a cautious waiter letting us know that what we ordered was either beef or pork. Since we eat almost everything under the sun while most Indians don’t, they just want to make sure we don’t order something by mistake!
We’ve met a few Indians on our travels and they always seem happy to talk Claudine. I think one of the great things about travel is meeting people from around the world and sharing opinions on where we are and where we’ve been. Different nationalities often have a very different take on places.
Yes Frank, we do have a few different social mores here and it’s not rude to ask things that may seem invasive or rude in other countries. Most people are just genuinely interested in learning about other cultures and countries and travel helps break those barriers!
I forgot to mention that my husband’s old boss in the US once asked him if elephants were commonplace in the cities. He took the opportunity to wind him up a bit and played along. The boss actually believed that he used to take public elephants to school while the rich kids took private ones! It took him a minute to realize he was pulling his leg!! On that note, my husband (Mario) wrote his first book and it was published a few months ago. It’s a humorous take on his early years living in various parts of the country as well as a few years in Iraq. I’ll link to the website I created for the book here.
BTW, I forgot to say that the new look is great! Hope you’re enjoying the new WordPress and theme. 🙂
True story…. You know that Abi is middle Eastern. He is fair skinned and has a slight accent. Hold that thought.
In our days as innkeepers, Abi would often get asked where he was from. Some days it didn’t bother him and he’d answer truthfully that he was born in Iran. (He’s been a US citizen for 40+ years). Somedays he’d make up stories depending on how annoying the particular person asking was. You can imagine as innkeepers we were constantly asked a lot of “what’s your story” questions. We developed a system in that when one of us was caught for too long, the other would leave the room and call whichever one of us was stuck, we’d answer and make up some lame story about why we had to take the call.
Anyway, one morning I was in the kitchen cooking and Abi was serving in the dining room. I heard a woman ask him where he was from and without missing a beat Abi responded, “From the kitchen.” I thought I’d die of laughter. She persisted, “No, I mean where are you from?” Abi responded, “Oh, we’re from California.” No, I mean what’s your nationality, where were you born, to which he replied, “Persia”. He often replied Persia if someone was particularly annoying and I’m sure you get it.
The whole time I was in the kitchen silently howling with laughter at the exchange because I knew exactly why Abi was answering her questions in that way.
I am half German half Portuguese so I blend in fairly well pretty much anywhere in Europe. Abi being fair-skinned and clean-shaven also blends pretty well. And, we purposely dress appropriately with absolutely no brand clothing. It’s all a bit ridiculous, but it’s the name of the game. We love it when we meet locals and travelers with open minds and hearts. I think a lot of the questioning depends on the circumstances and truthfully, I can’t recall any issues while traveling in Europe and beyond, but sadly (although not surprisingly), I can’t say the same for the US.
Ha! Persia. She probably didn’t know where that is either. Can I suggest Mesopotamia for the next time? 🙂
Thanks for sharing Patti!
It depends – but I found most people who asked the question were just curious. I have been an Australian half of my life, but when I tell people “I’m from Australia”, they often look surprised as I have an Asian face. Only yesterday I had to explain to an Italian living in Thailand that a lot of Asian people live in Australia after he said since I’m not white, I can’t come from Australia…
I found racism often presents itself in a more subtle / cruel way than the simple “where are you really from” question. Having married a white husband, I almost encounter racism on a daily basis so much so that I tend to feel numb these days. I also found the double whammy of racism + sexism come hand in hand. Plus a white husband and an Asian wife fit into a certain negative stereotype.
After having endured racism for over 20 years, I have come to believe that a majority people have some kind of racist attitude in them consciously or subconsciously due to their background, social influence, belief, ignorance etc. I have concluded that I can’t fight the majority of population on a daily basis, therefore I mostly numb all my senses in this department to give myself some peace of mind. But occasionally I also push back at the appropriate situation so that the other party can get a different perspective.
You remind me of a story Ying. We had arrived in Mostar at about 1 am and shared a taxi into town with an Asian guy. Started talking to him and he had an accent that Lissette spotted “Hey, are you from New Zealand?”. He was so happy to have been identified as a New Zealander.
Anyway, it’s interesting. Maybe future generations will be better at not equating nationalities with races, I know in many places immigration is still (historically) recent.
Thanks for the great comment.
It is not racist. It is impolite. I travel to learn and share what is in someone’s heart, mind and soul, not their race, not their ancestry, not why they have an accent of one culture and from my perspective, physically resemble a different culture. In most of traveling, most people first ask “where are you from”, then your language, then what brings you to a particular country. Sometimes, if you have more time and “click”, the conversation gets deeper……your birth country or country that that has influenced you the most, your ideas, your experiences travelling. If a fellow traveler brings up their ancestry, their race, their culture, their homeland, their food likes and dislikes, their political leanings, it’s all a bonus and then I feel free to ask more questions. Without someone first opening up certain areas of their identity, it is impolite and aggressive to charge into their space. I am multi-racial and look unidentifiable. Good and bad comes with this. In Egypt, in a train restroom, the local women touched my face and with sign language wanted to know where I was from. I simply said “American”. This didn’t all the way satisfy them, but then I had no idea how to explain my multi-ancestry to them in Arabic. Years later attending school in France, I was asked by a store owner where I was from and when I said American, she look puzzled, but dropped the issue. In California an elderly Mexican woman asked for my help reaching for an item to high for her. Even though she spoke Spanish, and I do not speak Spanish, I understood her need and reached up to get the item for her. She smiled and asked me if I spoke Spanish. I smiled back and said no, to which she scowled. I think she felt I probably was Mexican but being a “younger” generation wanted to hide it. I felt so bad, because I figured she wanted to know what nationality I was, I gave her one of many multi races to make up for me not speaking Spanish. She wasn’t very happy with my answer and stared at me with a disapproving look. Oh well! And, on and on this has been for my ENTIRE LIFE. It is tiring to be seen through the lens of my skin color, my hair color, my eye color, etc. I rarely allow interviews on my physical appearance anymore. And, if I sense I’ve got a race interviewer on my hands, I redirect or leave the conversation. Outside of race, I’m open to the flow of conversation, ideas and learning about my fellow travelers. And, if a fellow traveler brings up their race, I listen and stick with questions based on their lead.
Thanks for the comment Jeanne. You and Lissette seem to have a lot in common, she can also pass for almost anything which, as you say, is “Good and bad”. She blends in, but with that comes the assumption that she could be a local in many places. And that can lead to an uncomfortable line of questioning. I have the same problem when I go to Germany and people assume I’m German. It makes me feel uncomfortable because I SHOULD talk German (both my parents were born in Germany) unfortunately I wasn’t born there and was never taught the language. I think assimilation into North American culture and learning French and English was more important to my parents.
Anyway, the assumptions and reactions people take are not my problem. If people ask (and many do. I never have an issue when meeting a fellow traveller and being asked where I come from) and they don’t like the answer, then that speaks more about them then it does about me. I’ll always have a conversation if people are open and curious. I don’t take offense if the question is asked properly but, as you say, I’m not going to be interrogated by anyone.
Thanks for taking the time to comment 🙂
Hi,
I think my comment got nested as a response to yours but I meant it to be a standalone comment (I am still learning the Internet 🙂).
Yes, being polite is almost always the better path (I said almost since I’ve encountered that my version of politeness might mean lack of interest or enthusiasm to another… sometimes an even worse transgression), however there are no good or bad phrases per se…depends on the context. Quite OK to ask if someone is Japanese etc based on their looks or some other attribute. Depends on the situation, how ut is asked etc.
Even then there are no guarantees we won’t offend someone. In my view the goal is not to become a totally inoffensive person (aka the most boring person on earth). It is a bit like flirting…there is an art to it and even then it can misfire. Can’t code all human interaction into rules/shoulds. That takes the very essence out of it.
Hi Michael,
Totally agree with everything you said in both comments 🙂 People SHOULD ask questions, it’s how you get anywhere in life. Can’t play it too safe. And people will always be offended but that’s a fact of life too.
I get that question a lot here in Mexico, mostly from other expats. For Lissette it might be the colour, for me its becsuse of the accent.
I think the question itself is not racist. It is indiscreet and not polite mostly.
The rare time somebody might bring up the war (Nazis) when they hear i am German. You can call that rascist. Sometime they will think i am special, Mexicans mostly. That is a bit rascist too.
I do not mind the question itself. In fact these days i say i am German . Not always i am german/canadian.
People still bring up the war 85 years later? Wow. I think these days though people should be proud to be German…I know in many countries people admire the Germans including Croatia where we lived for a year.
I think it’s best to preface the question with a bit of information about why you’re asking before you ask. For example, I might say something like, “I used to live in South Korea when I was young. Your surname appears to be Korean.” That opens it up for the person being asked to either add information or not. If they don’t comment or seem annoyed, it’s best to drop it.
That’s if you know their name Edith. Most times you won’t. In our case it’ll happen that you’re visiting someplace and strike up a conversation with someone. We met a girl from Bhutan while waiting to apply for a Thai Visa, sat at a table with sailors from Estonia in Prague, met some Mexicans in Tokyo at the hotel’s buffet table…lots of interesting interactions but the question has to come naturally.
As you mention, context and tone are important and sometimes even that is not sufficient or doesn’t translate well and there can be misunderstandings.
Overall I think it is much ado about nothing. Can’t expect to travel and not be asked questions…. sometimes the best interactions have come out of that. In fact I wish people asked more questions rather than just assume. People seem to be losing the art of social discourse and interaction, each content to be in their ‘safe, leave me alone till I need something from you, bubble’. Travel fundamentally is a contact sport. Yes, there will be the occasional judgemental person but it is par for the course.
Extensive social media and asynchronous communication (texting vs phone call, meeting) usage makes this attitude worse.
This coming from someone who is in an age gap, interracial relationship from different cultural and socio-economic background.
Michael
Well, that’s true. It was just an example of how to approach it in a more polite manner. Obviously, the idea is to not blurt out something like, “Are you Japanese?” because you’ve made an assumption about the person based on their looks. 🙂