Lady, can you please shut the F*ck up?
Travelling is not always pretty. The worst aspect of travelling for us is dealing with humanity. Case in point: our recent 13 hours getting from Prague to Padova (Italy). Some uncensored thoughts along the way…
Lady, can you please shut the fuck up? We’ve been on the train 2 hrs and you haven’t stopped talking once, whether it’s to talk to your husband who’s reading the newspaper (and who doesn’t seem to have the balls to tell you to shut up) or to talk to yourself as you’re flipping through a book, pulling out an orange, or fiddling with your phone. How can anybody talk non-stop, what can you possibly be talking about? For once I’m actually thankful that I don’t understand German because I’d actually have to think about what you’re saying instead of just being annoyed by the non-stop background noise…
That guy over there looks messed up. Must be in his early 20s. He’s slouching in his seat with his legs splayed out in the aisle. Everyone is giving him dirty looks.
That other guy looks like a terrorist if I ever saw one. Just looking at his face reminds me of CNN describing suspects in the latest terrorist attack.
Those 2 girls across the aisle won’t stop eating and they’re always talking with their mouths full. Is that what kids do today? The one on the right just shoved the remaining third of her banana in her mouth and I can see mushy banana in her mouth as she’s talking. The one on the left keeps reaching into her bag and pulling out cheese doodles. She makes loud sucking noises as she eats.
Lissette is leaning over, wants to show me something on her phone. “Does she ever shut up?” it says. Ha, exactly what I’ve been thinking.
FUCK! Yes, I actually said that out loud because messed up guy fell into me as he stumbled down the aisle going to the bathroom. He’s definitely on something, I had to give him a bit of a shove to straighten him up. He mumbled something, I think he apologized. Get your act together man.
Angry Birds 2 is really boring. I’m playing it on my phone to distract myself but it’s so boring. I wish I could just get the original version…
I guess I was asleep. The girl on across the aisle from me on the left is eating something smelly. It’s something on a piece of bread, I think bologna. It’s smelling up the whole train.
That lady hasn’t stopped talking. Her husband looks like he’s sleeping but she’s still talking while fiddling around with a piece of paper. She’s writing stuff, looks like doodles or weird hieroglyphics. Once in a while she’ll look at me. I can’t figure out why her husband is with her, he looks like a banker type and he’s got an expensive jacket. He looks normal. She looks like a crazy hoarder type that spends her time talking to cats. She’s still talking.
I don’t see the guy who looks like a terrorist anymore.
HA! A cute kid just came up to Lissette and gave her a big smile. I know that makes her happy. Those crazy sunglasses she wears makes her look like a bee. It always attracts the kids.
I can’t believe it. The girl across the aisle is making herself another sandwich. She’s pulling out a couple of pieces of sliced meat from her bag. Definitely bologna. Fuck it, next time I’m bringing my hard boiled eggs on the train. Lissette always tells me I can’t bring hard boiled eggs in public places because they smell like fart. I don’t care, I’m not going to waste them anymore. I’m going to tell her I’m going to bring my hard boiled eggs next time and that I don’t care what she says. She’s listening to her music right now and I don’t want to bug her, but when she stops I’ll tell her that next time I’m bringing my hard boiled eggs and that’s all there is to it.
The girl across the aisle just started coughing, her face turning red. She choked on her food. She’s doing that thing people do when they chock on food, pounding her chest like that’s going to do anything. She’ll be ok though which is good because I don’t know how to do the heimlich. That’s what happens when you fill up your fat mouth and talk at the same time. She sure has a lot of zits on her chin.
Crazy talking lady took out an Italian translation book and she’s flipping through it while also looking at a message on her phone. She seems to be translating it, I can hear Italian words in her monologue. It reminds me if when I was a kid working in the public library, this crazy guy would come in every day and read to himself out loud without realizing it. Sometime he would laugh a crazy laugh if he read something funny. She’s not far off.
Lissette leans in and asks me if we can trade places. She’s had it with crazy talking lady. Won’t be so bad, I’d rather sit next to her than look across at her. I tell Lissette that I’m bringing my hard boiled eggs on the train next time. And durian for dessert. She nods her head in agreement. I’m of the opinion that if you’re going to do something you should go all the way.
I’m sitting across from where I was, next to crazy lady. I now have a whole bunch of other people to look at.
There’s a family with 3 young children including a little girl who can’t be much over 6 months. She’s got really big cheeks.
There’s a guy with slicked-back hair wearing a black leather jacket over a t-shirt, wearing jeans and clunky black shoes. Looks like Fonzie from Happy Days. He must be Italian.
I think someone just farted. Maybe it’s the baby’s diaper. If I have to fart and someone calls me on it I’ll just blame the baby.
I can’t believe this woman next to me. She’s stops her low mumbling to say something loud to her husband who’s sleeping. Let the man sleep. God I wish she could shut the fuck up for 2 minutes. He isn’t responding.
Crazy lady just sneezed without covering her face. Urgg.
Whenever the baby cries the husband gets up and walks up and down the aisle with it and she stops. Then he sits down and you see the change in the baby, a little scowl at first, her face turning red before she starts crying again. And he gets up again and she stops. Why do babies do that?
Zit face is eating nuts now.
We did 6 hours Prague to Munich and have now been on this train for 4 hours. Only 2 more hours until we get to Verona. This seems to be taking forever.
Crazy lady is looking at the train schedule and muttering something. Husband has his eyes closed and still has his head leaning against the side of the window. I don’t think he’s asleep though. I think he’s faking.
That husband is doing everything with the baby and the two kids. I haven’t even seen the woman move, all I see is the back of her head. He’s going up and down the aisle with the baby while also giving the other kids snacks.
Whether Crazy woman’s husband was awake or not doesn’t matter. He’s awake now and Crazy Lady is pointing to things on the train schedule and asking him questions in German. She’s agitated, like it’s his fault or something. He has the classic “I don’t know, I don’t care” look on his face. It’s obviously something trivial. I know he’s holding it in but that his insides are screaming “WHY DON’T YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I know the signs. But he’s too far gone, he swallows it up. I suddenly feel a wave of empathy for him.
Related: Proof that Sleeping is my Superpower
Ps. Like our blog? If so please keep us in mind next time you book your flights, hotels, tours, and car rentals. Have a look at our Travel Resources page.